


Strong

by Abitfairytailforme



Series: 'Cause this is me [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Addiction, F/F, Gambling, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other: See Story Notes, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-14 02:56:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7996018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abitfairytailforme/pseuds/Abitfairytailforme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to 'Weak' and part two of ''Cause this is me' series.</p><p>Olivia learns of Amanda's gambling problems and help guides her through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> To start off, I don't own anything. I don't own the characters or the quotes. I have listed who said each quote, but nothing is mine, just using them for entertainment and fun! This'll be a little angsty and maybe a little dark, but it is dealing with a serious addiction. However, Olivia's there to help! The past alcoholic warnings are referencing, briefly, Olivia's mom and Cragen, but mostly it's Olivia because I wrote this as Olivia is a recovered alcoholic because it fit the story really well. Anyway, I highly recommend you read 'Weak' first, because it's kinda needed for this piece. I'll be posting when I have time and inspiration stricks, which vary's for me. Sorry for any grammar issues.
> 
> I'm gifting this one to you, Sheepish123, because you gave me the idea for writing it! Hope you, and everyone else, enjoys!

“ _That’s one of the most remarkable things about life. It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.” -Bill Watterson._

~~~

Amanda Rollins sits on her couch, absently stroking Frannie's fur. She had always loved Calvin and Hobbes when she was younger. Loved the goofy Calvin and his wild imagination, loved the subtle messages Bill Watterson brought to the strip. The ones that made people think. The ones that made her think.

She remembers one quote, “ _That's one of the most remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.” -Bill Watterson_. She hasn’t read the strip since it ended in 1995, but this one stuck with her. Maybe is was because she went through life, thinking that this was the worst it could ever be, and it solidly got worse as the years went by.

She remembers thinking that quote after she’d been raped by Patterson. She remembers thinking that quote after long SVU cases that left her distraught. She remembers thinking that after that fateful night, three months ago. The one where she ruined all hope of ever changing. Of ever fighting this addiction, of changing herself, of being better, stronger.

Almost every night since then, she’s gone out gambling. Nothing stopped her. She tried her hardest every night, thinking of Olivia, thinking of her friends, thinking of the people around her who she was hurting. She never thought about the fact that she was hurting herself. Who cared about me? No one.

But it didn’t matter what she did. If she drank, she got drunk and gambled. If she stayed in, she got bored and went out. If she tried to work late, Olivia would kick her out. “You’re already coming in late, don’t stay in late too so you can be in even later tomorrow.” She’d said. She was right, if only she knew why she wanted to stay there.

Every night, she’d gamble, feeling the rush at the time, then almost always vomiting and crying herself into a light, angsty sleep afterwards. It was worse when she won. If she lost, she saw it as her punishment for gambling in the first place, if she won, she was being rewarded for bad behavior.

It didn’t matter. None of this mattered. She just knew that this was the worst life could be. She had the memory of Patterson in her mind constantly, she had the SVU cases hanging over her, her addiction almost literally kicking her ass.

Worst of all, she had Olivia, standing above her, disapproving of her choices. Of her.

How could life get any worse than that?

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_"The only mistake you can make is not asking for help." -Sandeep Jauhar_

~~~

15 years on this job and you start to learn things. Olivia had never majored in psychology. Never even had an interest in it, but after 15 years of dealing with victims, criminals, mentally sick people, and addicts, she’d learned to tell when someone is in trouble. But then, when you added on the fact that she also personally knew people who had a struggled with addictions, it was no surprise when she could recognize it in others. There was her mother, whom she lived with for 18 years, and then there was Cragen, evidence that one could overcome their addiction.

And if you are a recovering addict yourself, like she was, you could see it in others. You can see the desperation and see the need for help. So when her eyes and ears turned to Amanda, she knew there was a problem. The blonde held a view of herself as strong. Too strong. She’d almost never seen her break down, getting angry at a victim, or crying. She’d put up a front that she was strong, showing that something inside of her made her think that she was weak, that she needed others to see her as strong.

She noticed that the blonde was often coming in late with weak excuses. She’d come in tired, grouchy, and with bags underneath her eyes that almost resembled a raccoon. What was she doing by night?

Whenever she asked Amanda if she was alright, the detective would hesitate, a look crossing her face that looked like, no, please see that, but then she’d take a subtle deep breath and say, of course.

She was denying help when she so obviously needed it. Why didn’t matter to Olivia. Amanda needed help. One of her detective's. One of her friends. Someone she cared about needed help, but they weren’t asking for it, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to help anyway.

~~~

Olivia honestly doesn’t know how she could help the blonde without knowing what’s causing the problem, and since Amanda’s not telling her what the problem is and she can’t stalk the detective, she just hopes that Amanda will slip one day, that she’ll be weak and she can take advantage of it. That sounds wrong, she knows, but that’s what she needed to help her. She needed one of Amanda’s weak moments to help her open up so that she could help Amanda finally heal.

Then, it happens one night. She’s walking through the streets of the city, trying to clear her mind from their latest case, when she hears groaning from the dark alley next to her. She thinks that whoever’s there might be in some kind of trouble, because while she lives in a fairly safe part of the city, the city is never entirely safe. She pulls out her flashlight and her badge.

“NYPD. Can I help you?” She asked, walking into the alley and shining the light around.

“Liv, turn that damn thing off.” She hears a soft voice say, and her flashlight falls out of her hands in surprise, conveniently turning it off, as she recognizes Amanda’s voice. It’s different though. It sounds softer, sadder. Defeated. The Amanda she knew never sounded like that.

“Amanda, sweetie, what are you doing crouching in an alley?” She asks, walking up to the blonde. She notices for the first time the smell of sick, and with Amanda on her knees, she can only assume that it’s hers.

“Throwing up.” She said, spitefully. She spat on the sidewalk, trying to remove the taste from her mouth, then stood up.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Liv. This is my problem, not yours.” Amanda bites her tongue at her choice of words there. Now Olivia actually has reason to think she has a problem. Stupid! A look over to Olivia’s face and she can see that it’s crinkled in worry. Shit.

“What problem?”

“None of your business.” She says, starting to walk away, turning onto the Main Street.

“Since it’s been affecting your work, then yes, it is my business.”

“Is that all you care about? How my problem is affecting work? That’s comforting to hear. Bye Olivia.” She says, jamming her hands into her pockets, walking away. Olivia runs to catch up.

“Of course I don’t. I only said that because I thought that would be the only thing you’d want to hear. I’m worried for you, Amanda. This isn’t healthy. You aren’t yourself.” Amanda stopped walking suddenly, almost growling in anger.

“How the hell do you know who I am? Maybe this is who I am. Hell, it is who I am, you don’t know me just because you work with me.” Amanda starts to walk away again, but Olivia runs up to her and stops the blonde, turning her and making her look her in the eyes. Amanda almost shrinks underneath the heavy gaze Olivia is casting on her.

“Yes I do. You’re more to me than just a colleague, and I’m worried about you and I don’t even know what for.”

“Nothing then. Don’t worry about Olivia.” Amanda tries walking away again, but Olivia tightens her grip. Amanda suddenly thinks how weird this must look to all the people walking by. Then again, it is New York City.

“No. Why won’t you tell me?”

“Because I don’t need help. I’m hopeless. No need to try and help the hopeless.” Amanda, again, tries to wriggle out of Olivia’s grip.

“Don’t say that.” Amanda stops, almost defeated, and looks her in the eyes.

“But it’s true.”

“Amanda, I’ve seen people struggle with addiction. Cragen, my mom. You’re not the first, and I can help you.”

“Who the hell says I have an addiction?” Olivia just stares at her and she sighs. “Okay, if I tell you, will you leave me alone?”

“No.”

“If I listen to your advice and I don’t want it, will you leave me alone?”

“No.”

“Then why should I tell you?”

“Because you need help.”

“No I don’t. I’m not weak Olivia.”

“Amanda, asking for help with a problem isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. You’re admitting to others and yourself that you have a serious problem that you need help with, there’s no shame in that, and really, no matter how bad, not asking for help is the only mistake you could make.”

“Have you ever even been in a situation like this Olivia?” Olivia doesn't heisitate to tell her the truth.

“Yes, actually.”

“Oh, really? Lewis doesn’t count Olivia. He did that to you, I’m doing this to myself.” Olivia gets ready to make some big speech about how people with addictions needed and deserved as much help as people who had been hurt by other people, and that it still wasn't a sign of weakness, but she knew that the blonde wouldn’t want to hear it.

“I wasn’t talking about Lewis. I’ve almost destroyed myself as well.” Amanda’s eyebrows raise. “Tell you what, I’ll tell you my story if you tell me yours?” Amanda sighs. Olivia really had a problem?

“Did you get help from others?”

“So much. And it was so worth it.”

“Fine. But you first.” Olivia releases Amanda and slowly nods in agreement. If it would get the blonde to open up... 

“Sure, but let's go to my apartment. A lot more cozy.”

“Okay.” Amanda whispered. She was scared. She was scared because she was about to tell one of the people she liked the most that she was messed up. That she was weak. That she was so pathetic that she was addicted to gambling.

Who knows, maybe Olivia would listen to her story, think she was as pathetic as she was, then never speak to her about it again.

One could only hope.


	3. Chapter 3

_"You_ _don't need a reason to help people." -Unknown_

~~~

“It was 4 years ago, just two years before you came to SVU and met me.” Olivia starts, slowly, once they’re in the comfort of her apartment, both nursing drinks. Okay, that was a bit misleading. Non-alcoholic drinks, hot beverages. Olivia is drinking some decaf coffee, because of the hour, and Amanda’s got some tea, hoping it will help settle her stomach. Olivia looks down at her cup, fidgeting with the handle, when she starts, and Amanda’s surprised. She was surprised that OIivia found it that hard to tell her about this, even after all this time. She always assumed that Olivia would be shameless in everything about her life.

“I wish I could say there was a reason. I wish I could pin it on a particularly bad case, or I wish that it had been a few years later and it was because of Elliot’s leaving. Or maybe pinning it on Alex’s sudden disappearance or even Lewis, but there was no real reason. I just wished those things so I could justify what I was doing, but here’s the thing Amanda,” Olivia finally looks up from her coffee and stares at her, right in the eyes. She almosts shrinks underneath the heavy gaze. “I just couldn’t. One night, I went out for after a case and found myself getting drunk. More drunk than usual, but I couldn't stop, I needed it, even though I knew I had work in the morning. And then the same thing a month later, and more and more frequently until it became a nightly thing, and I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. At some point, i had trouble even waiting for the evening, starting to drink when I got home, or if I wasn’t working, earlier than that. I never drank while on duty though.”

“Then what?” Amanda finds herself asking, hesitantly.

“Well, it was starting to affect my work. I was coming in late, hungover, almost everyday. And as the day went on, I was grumpy, angry, hard to deal with. My thought processes were slower than usual, not a good thing for a detective. I was angry, and I often used force on perps, which cost us a few cases. I’m not proud of it, Amanda.” Amanda avoided the older woman’s gaze, her mouth opening to whisper out a question, something she wished, begged, for the answer of. Not about Olivia but about herself.

“How’d you stop?”

“You know that Cragen is a recovered alcoholic, right?” Amanda nods, slowly, remembering Cragen mentioning that to her as he offered her a drink after one of her first cases at NYPD.

“Yeah.” Amanda says, confused as to what this has to do with this.

“Well, he just called me into his office one day, about half a year after this had started getting really bad. I walked in and asked him what’s up, and he said just two words.” Olivia sighed deeply. “He looked me straight in the eyes, and said, ‘I know.’ I had been trying to hide it. I was like you were, every time someone asked me if I was okay, I’d say yes, of course. I acted strong, but when he said that, those two words, with such strength, with such certainty, I just started crying, right in front of him. God, I hated myself.”

“You too?” Olivia nodded, taking a deep drink from her coffee and Amanda can imagine Olivia wishing it was alcohol.

“Yeah. I despised myself for being weak. I knew that I could easily become an alcoholic, because my mother had been one, but I still let myself become one. At least, that’s what I thought. Cragen, he let me cry it out before telling me that I couldn’t keep on going like this and then offered me some time off to get help, and that he would guide me through it, having been through it himself.”

“So, how’d it go?”

“It was tough, I’m not going to lie. I took a whole two months off of work. I relapsed many times, but Cragen was always there the next morning to help me. He really looked after me, like I’m going to with you.”

“Why?”

“Amanda, you don't need a reason to help people, we all deserve help, so why should you or I be any different?" Olivia smiled strangely, Amanda couldn’t place a word or phrase on it, and she grabbed a tissue, handing it to Amanda when a few tears escaped.

“How long you’ve been sober?” Amanda asks, wiping away her tears, angry at herself for letting them fall.

“Other then when Lewis forced alcohol down my throat, which I don’t count, 3 years, 2 months, and 2 days. It doesn’t get any easier, but I feel so much better about myself.” Olivia smiled and Amanda found herself smiling shyly back. Maybe there was hope. “So, that’s my story, what’s yours?” Amanda forced herself to swallow some of the hot liquid in her forgotten mug, convincing herself that it would help her stomach.

“I don’t really know when it started. Must have been years ago.”

“What did?” Olivia asked.

“I’m…” Amanda kept opening and closing her mouth, trying to get the word out. Olivia reached over and rubbed Amanda’s shoulder encouragingly. The blonde was surprised at the sudden kind and reassuring touch from Olivia.

“It’s okay Amanda, I’m not here to judge, I’m here to help.”

“I’m…” Amanda groaned. It was four words, why could she say them? She whispered softly, “I’m addicted to gambling.” Amanda bit her lip, hearing those words out loud for the first time. She’d never said it, she’d never hear anyone else say it about her. She’d always known it, but now, those words were floating out in the world, for everyone to hear.

“Oh, honey.” Olivia said, pulling her into a hug, rubbing her back. “It’s okay.” Olivia said with absolute honesty, and Amanda felt about a million times better, just saying those words, just hearing Olivia, somebody, anybody, say that it was okay. Or maybe it was this really nice hug she was receiving from Olivia.

“I actually have a tattoo because of it.” She said, almost laughing, pulling her shirt sleeve up and pointing out her white tattoo.

“Wow, it’s very pretty. I’ve never noticed it before.” Amanda nodded.

“That’s why I got it white.” Olivia smiles at her, inspecting it for a few more seconds before releasing Amanda’s arm and Amanda rolls her shirt sleeve down again.

“What’s it got to do with your gambling addiction?”

“I got it for myself as a reward for not placing any bets during March Madness in 2011.”

“That’s a good idea. Positive reinforcement. What’s happened since then?”

“Well, it got worse this year. I’ve been gambling every night for three months. And then pretty regularly before that as well.” If Olivia was shocked by this, it didn’t show on her face.

“How’s your financial situation?” Olivia asks, concerned.

“Pretty good. I’ve had a few big wins lately, so I’m in the positive. No debts, which is good because when they’re mad, they can get pretty nasty.”

“Well then, it’s a perfect time to stop.”

“I tried, three months ago.”

“Why?” Olivia wanted to know what motivated the younger women, because then maybe she could use that to help motivated her this time. Amanda blushed a bright scarlet.

“Because of you.” Oh. Olivia thought. Well, she could definitely work with that, especially because of, well, those feelings she felt herself...

“Oh?” Olivia definitely tried to make that sound like a question, trying to push away the thoughts that were trying to enter her mind.

“I wanted to be better because of you.” Olivia almost felt a blush rising herself, failing to keep those thoughts out, despite her best efforts.

“Why?”

“Because you impress me and make me want to be better.” Olivia smiles softly, knowing that her face had to at least be a little pink by now, and Amanda suddenly felt very silly for her childish crush on the older women, turning pink herself.

“And, what happened?” Olivia asks, desperately trying to get them back on track and off the two of them… Well, whatever that was.

“Well, I didn’t gamble for 4 whole weeks.”

“Those were your good weeks, I remember.”

“On day 29 I gambled.”

“Why?” Amanda lets a laugh out.

“I don’t know.”

“No one ever does, but this is the important thing, Amanda. You tried. Sure, you relapsed, but nearly everyone relapses. Hell, I relapsed maybe 8 times, but you tried, which means you want to change, and that’s the biggest step.”

“Then, what’s the next step?”

“First, you take some time off.”

“Do I have to?” Amanda grimaced when her voice came out a little whiny. She didn’t mean for that.

“I thought that too, but you really do. It makes a huge difference. Take a month or two off, I’m sure your boss will approve it.” Amanda just rolled her eyes at Olivia for that joke, “And I’ll help you through the rest.” Amanda suddenly felt very, very scared that maybe she got into this with Olivia, and Olivia thought she was hopeless and gave up on her.

“Promise?” She asked, not caring if she sounded needy or scared or whatever. She just needed to know that Olivia would be there.

“Promise.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, Frannie exists in this world, but Noah doesn't. Mid-15th season is when we meet Noah, but he doesn't exist here. Neither does the whole Cassidy-Benson relationship. Nope, does not exist!
> 
> Other than that, this is just a filler fic. A chapter that needs to be written but where nothing major happens. Luckily it's short and more stuff will happen next time!
> 
> Also, I just wanted to apologize for any spelling errors. The tablet I write on has auto-correct and I can't figure out how to turn it off, but it's constantly replacing a mistyped word with a different word than I mean and I generally don't notice. Just, sorry about that!

_"Hard times will always reveal who your true friends are." -Unknown_

~~~

“You’re lucky my place allows dogs.” Olivia says, chuckling slightly, as Frannie jumps excitedly into her living room before either woman. Frannie sniffs around the whole room before jumping up on the couch.

“Is that okay?” Amanda asks, walking up to Frannie in case she needed to pull her off.

“Yeah, that couch has seen worse, and Frannie seems pretty clean. I’ll set up the guest bed for you later.

“Thanks.” Amanda pauses. “You have a nice place,” Amanda says, looking around and her bag sliding off her shoulder, softly thumping onto the ground. She knows that she was there just two short hours ago, but she’d been so preoccupied with Olivia’s and her stories that she didn’t really notice. It is nice, Amanda thinks, she’s not just paying Olivia a compliment. The room is expertly furnished, with matching pieces, if slightly old. The pieces are a little worn, but it gave the room a nice cozy look. Frannie lying on her side with her tongue out was really helping that look.

“Thanks. An old partner of mine choose out the furniture when we were living together.” Olivia says reminiscently.

“Who was it?” Amanda asks, then suddenly feels very guilty for the question. She blushes deeply. She waves it off absently while muttering, “Sorry, none of my business.”

“No, it’s okay. I used to have a thing with Alex Cabot.” Amanda’s eyes widened, faintly remembering the blonde ADA that left about 3 years ago. “It wasn’t when you knew her. Before that.” Olivia says, almost like she knew what Amanda was thinking. Amanda nods in understanding.

“If you don’t find it too personal of a question, why’d it end if you were living together?”

“A long story. Short answer is that she had to go into witness protection program. We never really got back together after that.” Amanda shifts slightly, unsure of what to do.

“May I ask one more question?” Olivia nodded.

“Question are okay, Amanda. I’ll tell you if I feel uncomfortable with one.”

“How do you identify?”

“Bi. You?” Olivia thinks better of it. “Only if you want to answer.”

“No, it’s okay. I’d say bi as well, but I lean more heavily on men.” Olivia nods. “That doesn’t mean I don’t like women as well.”

“No, I understand that. I lean more heavily on women.”

Amanda nods, suddenly feeling very awkward. Olivia moves to go to the spare room and set up her bed, and Amanda continues looking around the apartment. There are pictures up on the wall, mostly of people she didn’t know. She walks over to a black and white photo of a beautiful young women that looks vaguely familiar.

“Olivia, who’s this?” She asks softly, looking closer. Definitely something familiar about her. Olivia smiles sadly, walking up behind her and touching the frame.  
  
“That’s my mother.” Amanda’s shocked, looking closer at the beautiful women.

“She’s very beautiful.”

“Yeah, she was.” Olivia states simply, but Amanda can hear a definite sadness behind it. Olivia takes a deep breath, like she’s trying to pull herself out of whatever memory she was in, and says, almost cheerfully, “I have some apple cider. You want some?”

“Yes, please.” Amanda says. “I think I’ll set my stuff up. Where’s your guest room?”

“Down the hall, first one on the right.”

“Thanks. Come Frannie.” Frannie jumps up, tail wagging and her tongue hanging out of her mouth, following Amanda eagerly. Amanda’s almost down the hallway when a thought occurs to her and she pops back into the kitchen, sticking her head it. “Oh, is it okay if Frannie sleeps on the bed?” Olivia smiles.

“Yeah. I’ll wash the comforter after you’ve finished with it.” Amanda nods, happy that Frannie can still sleep with her. She pads down the hall, her feet dragging, Frannie right on her heels. Once or twice literally. She walks into the room and sees a queen sized bed neatly made up. There are two dressers, one of which has a note on them.

- _Amanda_  
 _Feel free to put your clothes in here, the other one is full though. The closet is empty as well, if you need more space._

Amanda nods at the note slightly, suddenly overwhelmed with how nice Olivia has been to her. Talking her through this, telling her to live with her for the weeks she’s in recovery, giving her time off. She’s truly been a friend, Amanda thinks, knowing that if Olivia can stand to help her through the next few weeks… She doesn't want to think about these upcoming days and weeks. She doesn’t want to think how hard it’s going to be, how she’s going to disappoint herself and Olivia. So she falls onto the bed, her eyelids sliding shut. She didn’t realize just how very _tired_ she was. She was tired of hiding, of being weak, of everything. She’s just so very very tired. She feels Frannie jump up next to her and she falls asleep, still wearing all of her clothes including her shoes, and a smile on her face. A real smile for the first time in months.


	5. Chapter 5

_"Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either."_

_-Unknown_

~~~

Amanda wakes up the next morning, refreshed, new. It was 10:00. She’d slept 9 whole hours. She hadn’t done that since high school… she thinks absently. She looks down and sees that she’s wearing a nightshirt and underwear, but nothing else. She doesn’t remember changing into them…She looks around and finds a note on her dresser.

- _Amanda_  
 _Had to go to work, but feel free to help yourself to anything in the apartment. Books, T.V, food. Whatever you need. My place is your place_

Amanda squints, trying to read the next line, but it’s crossed out.

 _I’ll be home around 6, unless we get a case. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call and ask. Apple cider’s still in the fridge if you still want some! Have a good day!_  

_-Liv_

Amanda feels a little overwhelmed, again, at Olivia’s kindness. She throws the covers off of her, when did she get under them? And walks to the dresser to find that all her clothes are neatly put away. How did Olivia do all this without her waking up? And where’s Frannie?

She walks out of the room to find Frannie sitting on the couch, a note attached to her collar too.

_Already walked and fed!_

How did Olivia even have time for all of this? Seriously, she must be dead on her feet. She decided to make herself useful, take her mind off of things, and went to change. Afterwards, she made breakfast with Frannie sniffing at her feet hopefully. Amanda rolled her eyes, but eventually buckled and threw Frannie a small piece of her food. After she’d eaten and washed the dishes, she thought she’d take Frannie for a walk too, bringing the frisbee along. It’d been way to long since she’d played with Frannie properly and she felt guilty for that too.

“Go get it girl!” She said, tossing the frisbee long and hard, Frannie eagerly running and flipping in the air to catch it. “Good girl!” She said as Frannie ran back to her, and she threw it again. Suddenly, as she watched Frannie running again, a thought occured to her. Something she couldn’t get out of her mind until she asked.

“Come on girl, time to go home.” She said to Frannie, hooking up her leash again. As they were walking home, she pulled out her cell phone and called Olivia’s cell.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Olivia’s voice said, immeditly.

“Nothing, just, what did you tell the guys?”

“Who?”

“Fin and Amaro.”

“Oh. I just told them you called in sick. I thought we could talk about what you wanted to tell them later.”

“Okay. Okay, thanks Olivia.”

“No problem. Anything else you need?”

“Yeah, do you know how I got into night clothes?” Amanda swore she could almost hear Olivia blush through the phone.

“I changed you. I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t see anything.” Olivia said in quick succesion.

“No, that’s fine. Thank you.” There was a pause. “For everything.”

“No problem, Amanda.” Olivia hung up and Amanda suddenly felt alone. Seriously, what was up her recently? She thought, and shook her head as she pulled out the key Olivia gave her. She walked into the empty apartment and looked at the clock. 1:30. She needed to find something to do. She decided that she’d cook Olivia dinner, aiming for when she came home at 6. She looked at Olivia’s cabinents, searching for something she knew how to make well. There wasn’t much she knew how to cook, but she knew that she rocked a homemade pizza and decided to make that.

She ran to the store next door, buying a few things she would need, and started making the dough. It only took an hour, and she couldn’t do anything else till later, so she walked around the apartment, looking for something, anything to do.

She thought about reading, but she knew she wouldn’t be focused on it. She thought about T.V, but she rarely watched T.V. She sat in front of it and turned it on, Frannie leaping up next to her.

“What do you say girl? What do you want to watch.” Frannie, who probably had no idea what Amanda was talking about, put her head on Amanda’s lap, hoping for a head scracth. The movement, however, caused the remote to change channels. _Who’s line is it anyway?_ Came on.

“Huh. I haven’t watched this in ages.” Amanda says, scratching behind Frannies ears. Why not? She thought. She even found herself laughing at the show and it’s silly nature. She later found ways to occupy herself, setting up photos in her room, vaccuming for Olivia, doing other cleaning, reading. At 5:00, she rejoiced in the fact that she could start cooking again. She was pulling the pizza out at excatly 6:00 when the buzzer went off and Olivia entered the apartment.

“Something smells amazing!” Olivia said, making a show about sniffing the apartment. “Did you make dinner?”

“Yup! Had to do something to stave of the boredom!”

“Hey, you saying my place is boring?” Amanda just raises her left eyebrow at her and Olivia laughed, collapsing on the couch.

“Hard day?”

“You have no idea.”

“I work where you do. I think I do.”

“Okay, fair enough.” Amanda paused, unsure of what to do. Dinner had to wait at least ten minutes, too hot, and the table was already set. She looked at the nearly comatose Olivia, lying on the couch, and had an idea. She gently lifted Olivia’s legs, sat down, and ended up with her bosses sock-clad feet on her lap, then proceeded to rub them. Olivia peeked open an eye. “Amanda, what are you doing?”

“Giving you a foot rub. You want me to stop?” She asked, rolling her finger in the precise spot that made Olivia melt a bit. Olivia closed the eye.

“No, that’s okay.” Amanda smiled, even though Olivia couldn’t see it with her eyes shut, and continued on her plight. “You’re really good at this.”

“Yeah, used to give them to my mom all the time.”

“Hmmm.” Olivia said, contently. They stay like that for a few minutes, until Amanda isn’t sure Olivia is even awake anymore.

“Olivia, are you awake?”

“Technically.” Olivia said, sighing unhappily at that fact. Amanda just chuckled and kept rubbing her feet.

~~~

Amanda walked through the streets, feeling a little chilly, and wishing she’d brought her coat. These cold fall nights always surprised her.

“Slow down, girl.” She said, chuckling, as Frannie pulled on her leash eagerly. Amanda replayed her conversation with Olivia in her head. 

“ _Are you sure you want to go out at night?” Olivia asked, looking at Amanda with those deep brown eyes._

_“Yeah, Frannie needs a walk.” She'd replied, hooking up Frannie's leash._

_“I could do it for you.”_

_“You’ve done so much, let me do this.” Olivia sighed, clearly unhappy at her descion, but didn’t stop her._

I’m glad she didn’t, Amanda thought, taking a deep breath of the crisp air. It wasn’t clean smelling, in any sense of the word, but it was nice. Different than the stuffy air in Olivia’s apartment. It was fresher.

“Hey ‘Mandy.” She hears a voice say, and she stops in her track. She’s only a few feet away from her normal gambling place. She turns around slowly. It’s that guy at the desk who’s always smiling at her creepily. He spits out a mouthful of something, she prays that it’s chewing tobaccos, and gives her a leering, crooked toothed grin. “You wanna come in?”

“No thank you.” She starts to walk away, but he runs up to her and grabs her arm. “Let go of me.” She says with force, but she’s secretly scared. He chuckles, his filthy breath on her face is uncomfortable at best.

“No. Why don’t you wanna come in?”

“I said no.” She said evenly, trying to pull away. He pulls out a knife, flips it open, and presses it to her neck.

“You’re going to follow me into that alley, then we’ll talk about this.” He says. It’s not a question. She bites back a whimper.

“And if I don’t?”

“Well…” He twists the knife slightly and it stings. She knows that he cut her slightly. “... I think we both know what I’ll do.” She raises her hands.

“Okay, just get the knife away from my throat.” She says. He nods and slides the knife to her stomach instead. A little better, she thinks, and starts to follow him into the alley. Now’s her chance, she thinks. She wraps her hand around the leash a little tighter and gives it a gentle tug. Frannie barks, and jumps in response, leaping onto the man. She knees him in the balls while he’s distracted and he doubles over.

“Next time you do that to me, I won’t be unarmed.” She spits out, before running out of the alley. “Good girl, Frannie. Let’s get home.” She’s still scared, but she needs to get to Olivia. She practically runs the two blocks, and when Olivia opens the door for her(too scared to find her own key), she falls into Olivia’s arms, crying.

“Amanda, what’s wrong?” She asks, gripping her tight and pulling her into the apartment. “Did someone hurt you sweetie?” She nods slightly, pulling Olivia closer. “I know you’re scared, but I need to know how.” She points to her neck and Olivia looks at it. It’s a small cut, nothing urgent, Olivia thinks, and let's Amanda cry it out.

~~~

“What happened?” Olivia asks, finally, while pouring something on a cotton ball to clean her cut.

“I…” Amanda lets out a hiss at the stinging pain of the liquid on her cut, “I was walking Frannie. A guy at the gambling club asked me if I wanted to come in. I said no.” Olivia sighed in understanding.

“What happened then?”

“I told him no and tried to walk away. He grabbed my arm and I asked him to let me go. He said no and asked me why I didn’t want to come in. I said that I’d said no. He flipped out a knife and pressed it to my neck. He told me I was going to come into the alley and talk about it. I followed, but then had Frannie attack him and…”

“Wait, how’d you do that?”

“I trained her years ago to do that. She’s never to attack people unless I, and only I, pull on her leash in a certain way. Then she’s supposed to attack the other person.” Olivia looks impressed and looks over at the dog in question, who's lying on her side. 

“Weren’t you worried he’d slip and cut your throat?” She asked, ripping a band-aid open.

“I don’t need that.” Amanda said, waving it off.

“Yes you do. I don't want you to get an infection from a dirty knife!” She placed it on before Amanda could protest again. Amanda just shook her head slightly.

“Well, I’d gotten him to move the knife to my stomach. Worst he’d gut me. After Frannie distracted him, I kicked him in the balls and left.” Olivia searches Amanda's face and knows that there is more to this story.

“Did you say anything to him?”

“I told him the next time him did that, that I wouldn’t be unarmed.” Olivia’s eyes widened in shock.

“Amanda!”

“What?”

“Don’t go around threatening people! It’s not safe.”

“It’s true though…” Olivia sighs.

“I know you’re scared, but you’re going to get through this. I won’t let him hurt you again.”

“How?”

“I have my ways.”

“Look who’s being threatening now.” Amanda said.

“Not like that!” Amanda just smiled and started laughing. Light chuckles at first, but then it grew into full blown laughter. Olivia just looked at her like she’d lost it before chuckling slightly herself. She pulls Amanda in for a hug.

“You’re going to be okay, Amanda.” She said.

“And the bright side is that I never want to go there again.”

“There’ll be other places. You’ll still want to gamble” Olivia said. “The worst is not over yet.”

“I know.” Amanda whispered, pulling Olivia closer. “I know.”


	6. Chapter 6

_"Change is hard in the beginning, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end." -Robin Sharma_

_~~~_

Amanda stares at the ceiling, looking at the weird shadows being formed from the little light peering in through the cracked open door. She turns her head and looks at the glowing blue light indicating the time, 2:30. She sighs heavily, turning her head back to look at the ceiling again. She wants to go to sleep again but every time she has she had a nightmare about that creep and woke up. She moves slightly, trying to get more comfortable, and hears Frannie whine unhappily in her sleep. Amanda smiles bitterly at her dog. She finds herself strangely wishing that Olivia was here, to help her feel safe and help her to sleep.

“Would that be okay?” Amanda finds herself murmuring softly, wondering if she should wake the brunette and ask. Olivia had said if she needed anything… No, that would be crazy. She’s not asking her boss if she can sleep with her. What was she, a child?

She scoffed at herself, flipping over, to more of Frannie’s dismay, and tried to get some sleep, finding her eyes sliding shut a few minutes later.

~~~

Amanda wakes up, breathing heavily, nearly screaming, and looks over at the clock. 2:45. Shit. She doesn’t know why these dreams are so bad. It was a little cut, practically nothing, she thinks. Her hand goes up to feel it through the band-aid and winces a little. It stung, but nothing bad. So why the hell couldn’t she just sleep?

Despite her best efforts, she finds her mind wandering to Olivia again, and she shuts them out. Come on, Amanda! She thinks.

She turns over, not hoping to sleep, but her eyes slide shut a few minutes later anyway.

~~~

Amanda lays awake, at 4:55, wondering what the hell to do. She’s been waking up every 15 minutes for the past… well, for the whole night. Her dreams have flitted between that creep, Patterson(god knows why _he_ was back in her dreams again), and so much more. Anytime she wanted peace and quiet, her brain wouldn’t let her. At 4:30, she gave up trying to sleep, and is determined to wait it out until Olivia leaves for work, not wanting her to worry.

She turns on the light and opens her book. When she hears Olivia’s alarm go off, she’ll turn off the light and pretend she was asleep. She doesn’t need Olivia to know that she was up all night because of a few nightmares.

~~~

Finally, it’s 6:30, and Olivia has left for work. She gets up out of bed and moves to walk and feed Frannie. She’d told Olivia yesterday that, while it was nice of her to do that, she’d prefer to do it herself, and Olivia didn’t argue.

“Come one girl. A nice walk, then I’ll feed you.” Amanda said, rubbing at her eyes, desperately trying to rub the tiredness out of them. She’d have to have some coffee when she got back. As she walked through the streets she couldn’t help but feel like someone was watching her. She turned around several times, only to find that she had been paranoid.

“Hey sweetcheeks.” A voice said. She turns around, fist ready to swing, thinking it was the same guy as last night, when she sees it’s just a homeless man. “Think you could spare a little for an old man like me?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” She says, still startled, pulling out her wallet and putting 5 in his cup. He smiled and thanked her.

“I’m supposed to tell you that you are not welcome back at this establishment.” He says, waving at the building behind him, which housed the illegal gambling club she usually went to. She almost snorted at the ‘establishment’. “Thanks again for the 5.” She smiled and nodded at the sweet old man and started to walk the rest of the way to Olivia's apartment.

Like she wanted to go back there anyway.

Yet… she felt an itching need. The need she always felt when she needed to gamble. It wasn’t too bad, not yet. She’d probably get through today without feeling the major urge to go out and actually gamble. Not today.

~~~

Amanda’s right, she didn’t feel the overwhelming need to gamble. Instead, she stays in all night with Olivia and Frannie, just watching T.V and acting silly. If Olivia had noticed that she looked tired, she didn’t mention it. However, the next night, she’d gotten little sleep again. She was agitated and Olivia was definitely starting to notice. She asked if Amanda was alright and Amanda said that she had just had a little trouble sleeping last night and that she was just tired. Olivia looked at her with a doubting look, but didn’t say anything, other than offering her to talk if she needed it. Amanda said she was okay, but truthfully, she really needed to gamble. She didn’t tell Olivia, but she left the apartment with some cash, and that’s how she ended up here, gambling her soul away, Frannie tied up in the corner.

“Hey gorgeous.” A man says, the guy that owns the place probably. “Heard you were kicked out of my competitor's place. Now why’s that beautiful? Didn’t pay a loan?” He cracked his knuckles like he was ready to beat her up and throw her out if she said yes.

“No, I keep good on my debts. He was a creep.” He looked at her like that didn’t explain everything and she hesitantly added, “I may have kneed him in the balls.” The guy laughed, a creepy laugh, and slung his arm around hers, offering her a cigarette. She gratefully took it and after he’d lit it for her, she took a long drag from it.

“You’re all right then. Tell you what, I’ll give you this first round free. Looks like you’ll be needing it.” He said, as her bet fell short.

“Thanks.” She said, truly appreciating it, even if she knew that he was just trying to encourage her to stay at his place.

“Just keep coming here, lovely” She smiled at him in response, but secretly she wanted his arm and his sexist names to just go away. But she need this, so she ignored it and made another bet, winning this time.

“See, I knew you’re luck would come back.”

“Yeah, well, savor that moment. I don’t get it nearly enough.” She says, moving to go and cash her money and throw up in the alley like she always did. The guy grabbed her arm.

“You leaving already, honey?” She resisted the urge to punch him in the face, she’d need to come here again, so she just shook her head and smiled at him.

“Yeah. My girlfriend’s waiting for me at home.” 

“Bring her those winnings, maybe convince her to come along.” She nodded stiffly and practically ran out of there, only slowing down to get Frannie. Bring Olivia here… She wasn’t even her girlfriend.

~~~

“Hey, that took longer than last night. Everything alright?” Olivia asks when she walks in.

“Yeah, just thought I’d go for a longer walk. Such a nice night.” Olivia searches her over with those deep eyes.

“You smell of smoke sweetie.” Funny, she didn’t hate honey or sweetie coming out of Olivia’s mouth…

“Yeah, I thought a cigarette would help me. I’ll go shower now.” Olivia nods, watching her walk off, knowing something was up. She didn’t want to press her though, knowing that with no proof, Amanda would just push her away and be less willing to talk about it. Olivia did that. She would need proof if Amanda was going to open up.

~~~

“You always know where to find us, love.” The owner says as Amanda walks out, a week later, the winnings in her pocket. She smiles back, not wanting to lose this place too, since it was the closest one around(other than her previous one), but she just hated that guy. He gave her the creeps. As she walks out, she went to grab Frannie, who had been left at the door of the club, and started panicking when she couldn’t find her.

“Frannie?!” She called out, desperately. Her leash wasn’t here, so someone either took her or Frannie wiggled loose. “Frannie?!” She yelled out, louder, borderline freaking out, looking for her dog. Frannie was everything to her, sad as that may seem to some people, but it was true. And this was her fault, her punishment, for leaving Frannie out, as an excuse to Olivia to go out gambling. It was her fault she was left unsupervised outside. It was her fault that she was missing. “FRANNIE!”

She ran out of the alley and was relieved when Frannie came running up to her, jumping up on her to lick at her face, wagging her tail eagerly. “Thank God.” She whispered, kneeling down to rub Frannie’s head, letting Frannie lick her tears away, which admittedly was a little gross, but she was just so relieved.

“You shouldn't leave her out like that.” Amanda had been so happy that she hadn’t bothered to see who was attached to Frannie’s leash. Who had taken her. She looked up, horrified, as she recognized that voice.

“Olivia…”

“Something you want to tell me, Amanda?” Amanda stood up, her head hung, staring at the ground. She was ready to lie, but she looked at Olivia, who didn’t look angry, didn’t look hurt, just looked concerned, concerned for her, and she couldn’t do it. She started crying. “It’s okay, honey, it’s okay.” Olivia said, pulling her into a hug.

“I’m so sorry,” she said around her tears.

“I know you are, but why?” Amanda felt a little angry at the fact that she knew Olivia knew, but she was going to make her say it out loud. Say it for the whole world to hear.

“I gambled,” she said dejectedly. Olivia lets her go and they start walking to Olivia’s apartment, Frannie trotting alongside them happily, not recognizing the tone between both women.

“Are you sorry to me, to Frannie? Who are you sorry to?”

“Both of you. Especially you, Olivia, I let you down.”

“Did you ever think about the fact that you don’t only let the people who care about you down, but you let yourself down?”

“I don’t let myself down.”

“Why is that? You should be upset and let down when you relapse.”

“Why should I?”

“Amanda, if you expect yourself to relapse, if you aren’t upset with yourself when you relapse, then you will always relapse. You have to set higher expectations of yourself, and not try to change just for those around you. You have to change because you truly want to.”

“I do, I really do.”

“But just not for yourself.”

“Why should I?”

“Because you deserve to want to be better and not just for those around you. That should definitely be a factor, but don’t forget to let you think of yourself for once.”

“Okay.” Amanda whispered.

“And more importantly…”

“What’s that?”

“Let those around you, those who care about you, help you. If those people aren’t going to help you, then you don’t deserve them as friends.”

“Thank you, Olivia.”

“Is there anything else you want to tell me? Anything at all?” Amanda thought to her bad nights, to the money in her pockets, even about how she hated how that guy at the club made her feel. Olivia let her think, leading them into her apartment.

“Now that you mention it…” Amanda started. She dived into it. Into her dreams, into her thoughts, into everything. Olivia pulled her close when she cried and listened, responding thoughtfully. Olivia knew that this was hard, the disappointment in letting others down, and hopefully now, the disappointment in letting yourself down.

It was a relapse and that was never easy, but she was there to help. She knew that it was going to make Amanda stronger, but she knew that Amanda was likely to relapse again. She knew it was still going to be hard for her, she knew there were going to be more tears, but she was always going to be there to wipe them away and to help her through it.

“Amanda, you’re going to make it through this. You are going to succeed.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re strong.”

“No, I’m weak.”

“Why do you think that?”

“‘Cause it’s who I am.”

“No, it isn’t. You think you weak, but you’re so very, very strong Amanda. You always have been, and I just hope you’ll see that one day.” Olivia thought for a second. “You know what?”

“What?”

“I’m going to make sure you see that one day.”

~~~

Mini-Epilogue

Amanda went back to work after 2 ½ long months. She had a hard time, relapsing 5 more times, even after she went back to work, but Olivia had kept her word. She was there every time to wipe away her tears, to listen, and to assure her that she was strong and that she was going to get through this. When she wanted, no, needed, to gamble, Olivia was there to distracte her and to help her through it. When she wanted to hurt herself, Olivia locked the razors away. When she had nightmares, Olivia not only let her, but encouraged her to sleep in her bed with her, calming her.

Whatever difficulties she had, Olivia was there.

She moved out eventually, but Olivia made sure that she understood that if she needed anything, she could call or come over, which she did a few times.

When 9 months had passed since Olivia found out about her gambling problems, she’d been gambling free for 4 months and 29 days, and she was determined to never let that number to get to 0 again. Olivia was right, it never was easier, but she felt better about herself everytime she got through a month, a week, a day.

She smiles at her desk, those 9 months later. Her coworkers never found out the real reason that she was out, she just claimed that she was really sick and that the doctors had recommended bed rest. They visited her every week or so at Olivia’s apartment, thinking that Olivia had let her move in to help, and she always pretended that she was sick. She might tell them one day, when she was surer about herself, but until then…

She smiled at Fin, who had stopped treating her with caution after her ‘illness’ and started up a conversation. 5 minutes later they are full out arguing.

“No way that they are dating!” Fin argues with her, shaking his head in denial. “No way!”

“I don’t know how you don’t see it! It’s so obvious! If they haven’t started yet, it’s going to happen soon.”

“There is just no way that Barba and Carisi are dating! Or that they ever will!” Amanda just clicks her tongue at him.

“They so are.”

“You wanna bet on it?” Fin offers up as a challenge. Amanda doesn’t even hesitate.

“Not one bit.”


End file.
